The bridge is empty again
by Pebr
Summary: 2012 turtles and SAINW? (Basically it doesn't matter which turtles you imagine.) Not a good combination. SAINW Raphael with matches and gasoline? Also not a very good combination. Raph and Leo meet after a long time and they decide something together. Mentions of death and suicide.


The liquid happily purls out of its container and lets out a wet, not-so-happy-anymore sound as it hits the ground and scatters into million little droplets. The smell of gasoline is strong and bitter yet familiar and comforting. It used to smell like gasoline whenever Raphael was fixing his bike or when Donatello was about to explode one of his machines, although that probably hadn't been his intention. The bottle containing the gas is empty and it's tossed away.

It's quiet now that Raphael is not pouring expensive liquid – well, it's not like money really matters anymore, but – on the ground and on the old wood and other junk which, Raphael had probably figured, would burn. That's why the match makes such a horrible and loud noise when scraped against the matchbox. After the match is lit everything's quiet again and they're both just waiting. It feels like it's always about waiting, year after year, just waiting. Waiting for things to get better, waiting for the courage to face each other again. And now they're here and neither of them dares to say anything. It's better to hold your breath than take the risk that the other one leaves again.

Leonardo has lost most of his eyesight, but he still sees things if he concentrates long enough and if his eyes don't hurt too much. The small fire in Raphael's hand makes his green eye have beautiful tones Leonardo had forgotten it had, but it would be a taboo to say Raph and beautiful in a same sentence. (Out loud, at least. Leo can say it in his head as much as he wants to. Unless Raphael has learnt how to read his mind. Which Leo doubts.) Playing with fire is a taboo as well, but when did Raph ever follow any rules? There's nobody to find out what Raph's up to. And Raph is up to this so that there will be nobody to find out.

Expect that now there is. Leonardo looks silently around himself, judging everything under his hard gaze. Even when wearing sunglasses hiding most of his eyes his gaze pierces through everything he wants. He's still a little breathless after running, but it's fine now. Even when he stands in the middle of this suicide trap Raphael has built for himself, it's fine.

"You know what I'm thinking", Leonardo says finally, and it's all he says. It's all he can say. He can see the hesitation in his brother's beautiful eye, he has always been able to see his emotions through his eyes, no matter if he has only one left now and no matter how old they are. And now.. now they're pretty old. They've lived many years without each other, and Leo still finds himself staring at Raphael's eyes, even though the red-masked one refuses to meet his. Sure the green color has gone a little dull during the years and Leo knows his vision makes everything a little uglier than it is – at least he hopes that's the case – but Raph has beautiful eyes. And as long as he keeps avoiding Leo's gaze like he always does, it's fine. Because he'll always see the beauty behind that tired gaze.

#

Raphael snorts.

"You just don't change, do ya? I burnt down everything in the lair. Well, everything that was left. There's nothing left now."

"Except us", the one in blue says, but Raphael knows that Leo knows it's true. There are so many bitter things inside him, they have been there for so long and Raph can't stop them when they pour out of his mouth. "Who needs us? The better half of the family is gone." His tone is casual and he keeps a straight face even though Leo flinches, and he feels sick making Leo listen to himself. He had been preparing for this for so long, thinking what kind of tone he would use when he'd finally talk to Leo again, thinking about what to say. And nothing he says now was what he had planned. But that's how it had always gone for him; every word comes out all wrong. "Just take a look around us. We were supposed to stop this from happening, right? Piece of cake, right, Leo?"

Raph knows that the match in his hand is dangerously close to burning his fingers but he knows that the look Leo is giving him right now would hurt him worse. Besides, he can't throw the match in the gasoline. He doesn't want to. Not yet. Not when Leo is standing so close to him, when he can almost feel his heart beating. It's been so long since they were able to stand this close without trading words filled with poison and without having the need to grab their weapons and protect themselves against each other. Raphael almost wants to touch Leonardo, just a little touch to make sure that he really is there, that his heart is beating, and to tell Leo that he doesn't mean what he says, he never did–

"You shouldn't be here", Raph whispers instead and looks down when he finally feels the fire reaching his fingers. It burns but not as badly as the ache in his heart. He wants to let go – both the match in his hands and the sorrow inside him, but he can't. His hand shakes, he waits for the pain of the burn to finally fully catch him, but Leo is faster and grabs his wrist, pulls his hand closer to himself and simply blows, extinguishing the fire. Raphael just stares, feeling dumb.

"But I am, Raph. And I should've been here a long time ago", Leo says gently, still holding Raph by his wrist and pulling him closer. It kind of amazes Raph how Leo always ends up being the braver one – he would never have found the courage to grab Leo's hand like he did. Not after so many years. It felt like he had no permission, like his hands were so dirty that he would just make Leo dirty as well. But here Leonardo is, pulling Raphael into something that was starting to look dangerously much like a hug, and Raph could do nothing to prevent or allow what was happening. Or maybe he was just telling himself so, because it seemed to be the only way to allow himself to feel Leo's heartbeat which he so desperately wants to feel. Just to be sure.

Leo's hands are warm and his touch is careful, like Raph would explode at any moment – and to tell you the truth, if he'd lit another match and drop it, he would – but Raph doesn't have time to miss the way they used to hug because those times don't exist anymore. There's only this moment where he can bury his head against Leo's neck and feel old scars carved on Leo's shell. He can feel them even through his coat, that stupid black coat Raph hated from the first time he saw it, but now he loves it for having Leo's smell all over it and how Leo is even letting him be this close in the first place. He can feel his own hands holding Leo like he's all he's got – and well; Leo is all he's got, so.

It started with Leo wrapping his arms around Raphael, and now Raph wouldn't let go even if Leo asked him to. The half-blind turtle is kind of afraid that it would happen, but Leo seems to relax and he hugs Raphael a bit harder, but still so gently, and Raph can't understand how he does that. His own hug is probably more like some kind of a wrestling move than a hug, but Leonardo could cry about his crushed bones later. He wanted a hug, he got one.

And like the match, Leo extinguishes the ache in Raphael's heart, even if it was just for tonight.

#

"I'm – I'm glad I found you in time, Raph. Why is it that when you're alone, you always end up doing something stupid?" Leo asks quietly. They sit on a tiny bridge crossing over a river, or at least over something that used to be a river. A bridge is a place where they could be spotted easily, but today the two of them couldn't care less about that. The night is beautiful and the moon is making them even more vulnerable, but Raph wanted to sit here. Leo himself doesn't really care for the moon – he can't see it anymore. But Leo throws away everything that's kept him alive this long, just to let Raphael stare at the moon.

"You weren't afraid that I'd still do it and take ya with me?" Raph asks, grinning a little. Leo smiles too, because Raph is looking at the moon and his blind eye is turned on him, so it's safe to smile a bit.

"No, I wasn't. But did you really think that you could hold a burning match in your hands for that long?" Leo says teasingly. There are no words to describe how much he has missed this – sitting with Raph next to him, being able to talk. This is the calm after a storm, a storm which lasted for.. for too long. A storm which took too much away from them. Sometimes Leonardo falls asleep going through all the things he could've done, but there was nothing that could have changed how things came out. If a storm is coming, no matter what you do, it comes.

Raphael growls, raising his hand and staring at his fingers like the match is still there, burning him. There are countless little scars here and there and it's easy to forget which one came from where, but the pain they caused never really leaves. It just becomes heavier and heavier every day and today was probably the heaviest. Heck, he tried to _burn_ himself alive today. That count as heavy?

"I know. Stupid, right?" Raph says finally, bitterly, clenching his hand into a fist and then opening it again. When he opens it, Leo slowly puts his hand on top of his to prevent him from making it into a fist again. Raph turns to look at him.

"Not stupid. Desperate. And.. stupid."

As they stare at each other, Raph sees the forgiveness in Leo's eyes. Leo forgives him for trying to do something so stupid and – no, there's more. Leo forgives all the mistakes and all the wrong choices he made in the past, and it's really so incredible how so many words can be passed with just one look. A look from a blind guy at that. But Leo's not blind, not completely, and because of that Raphael wants to look away. But he doesn't because there's still something in those almost empty, almost blind eyes. Something that has been there for a while, something that wants to be heard and yet at the same time doesn't – something that the forgiveness for him is slowly drowning. Is.. is Leo seeking for forgiveness in return? Does Leo think Raph didn't forgive him? Even still – even now?

"You are", he simply says, not able to believe this. He wants to yell but they both know what happened the last time he did. Leo looks surprised, clearly not expecting such a childish reply. But it's neither a joke nor a lame comeback – Leonardo is _the stupidest idiot –_

"Everybody forgives you, Leo", Raphael says and his voice shakes a bit. "Everybody – a long time ago. So don't you come at me and look at me like that, _you idiot,_ don't say that _you_ – "

Leo is there and he draws Raphael closer. The sobs are quiet and Raphael is desperately trying to stop them from coming, but when Leo tells him it's okay Raphael feels like he's a child again, pressing his face against Leo's plastron to make nightmares go away. He knows that this nightmare won't go away, but that doesn't stop him from trying. The hug is different compared to the first one; their touch is no longer desperate and longing, it's forgiving and loving. It's no longer a _happy to see you again,_ it's _everything's fine, not letting you go._

They stay like that for a while, and when Raphael makes a pathetic attempt at breaking the hug Leo just hugs him harder and Raphael does the same. Raph doesn't cry anymore, but Leo knows he needs a moment to collect himself. The silence is gentle, and so is Leo's hand still grasping Raphael's when they finally break the hug. Raph feels like something dark has disappeared from inside him, but there's too much darkness for them to get rid of. They both know it without words, like always. The loss of the rest of the family is still so heavy, the feeling so empty – Raphael can't look at Leo when he speaks.

"Leo – Leo, I – I _can't._"

"I know."

"No, y-you _don't!_ I mean –"

"I know what you mean, Raph", Leo says, his voice shaking a bit, but it's firm. It's like his "final decision" voice back from the times he used to be the leader and they used to make plans. There's something heavy in his voice, but it's not very surprising, it's a heavy decision after all. But it's not in Leo's hands completely. When he speaks he leaves room for arguments even though he fears there won't be any. Or is it fear? Maybe it's knowledge and that's why it's so scary. "Let's make a bomb. Raise a little hell before we go."

Raphael raises his head, staring. But Leo isn't joking nor lying. His hand is firmly grasping Raphael's, not going anywhere unless Raphael shakes it off. And no way in hell he's ever going to do that again. When their gazes meet they know it's not Leo's choice, it's what's going on in both their minds. Leonardo is still the leader, and when there's no fighting, it means that the decision was good. "Whatever those stupid glasses you're wearing did to you – it's _awesome._"

They both smile a nervous smile, and Leo feels like crying. That ability is long gone, but he knows Raphael sees it when he touches Leo's cheek. It's such an odd and comforting and missed gesture it makes Leo want to cry even harder.

"When you said that 'I knew what you're thinking..' I don't know if this is what I thought", Raphael chuckles, and his gentle, joking voice makes Leonardo's heart ache with joy and sadness so bad he wants to.. he doesn't even know. All he wants is to be with Raphael, isn't that enough?

"Mikey didn't do the dishes like he was supposed to", Leo says. "And it was the third time that month. Just thought I needed to pay him a visit and remind him."

"Really? You remember that after all these years? C'mon Leo, give a guy with no arm a rest", Raph grins, standing up and pulling Leo on his feet as well. Leonardo smiles back at him.

"Why is it that even when we are together we end up doing something stupid?"

He's planning a suicide attack with Raphael – it's something he'd never call fine and he feels like he failed everything he ever fought for. But Raphael is smiling – isn't that kind of what he fought for in the end? Besides he's _with_ Raphael, so maybe it's fine after all.

"Must be that coat", Raphael snickers and receives a halfhearted smack from Leo. The bridge is empty again.

**A/N:** It feels like I used a lot of time writing this so I got really tired with it and it probably shows. I'm just happy I got it finished, so uh.. thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
